United States Signs $110 Billion Weapons Deal with Random Guy on eBay


From tanks and planes, to missiles and atomic bombs, the United States Department of Defense recently made billions of dollars worth of high powered military equipment available to “whoever the hell wants them” on Internet auction site eBay. The weapons were quickly snatched up by some random dude at the ‘Buy it Now’ price of $110 billon.

“It’s nice to know that these weapons are going to a good home,” said government spokesperson John Richards. “When we sell weapons, we always make sure they’ll be used by someone who respects American values of peace, democracy, women’s rights, and so on…or at least someone who’s got a decent eBay feedback rating and a few billion dollars.”

The weapons deal is the largest in both US and eBay history.

“We always say bigger is better…and if that means selling all our weapons to some stranger on the Internet, then so be it,” said Richards. “We’re certain the world will be a safer place now that this guy on eBay has his own destroyer squadron.”

The United States reportedly has a long and friendly history with random rich dudes on the Internet and the current administration is only continuing that mutually beneficial relationship.

“We get the money, and some guy we don’t know and can’t really trust gets the weapons,” said Richards. “I can’t possibly imagine what might go wrong with this situation.”

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