After years of research, with countless false starts and failed attempts, the ladies here at the Daily Bonnet have finally perfected the art of seducing a Mennonite man. Here is a step-by-step guide to winning a Menno heart of your own.
1.The first thing you need to do is select your man from among the bountiful choices in the men’s section at church. Proceed to make passionate, but discreet, eyes at him.
2. Introduce yourself during faspa. Smile a lot. And laugh. Mennonite men love it when you laugh at their cheesy repetitive jokes about tractors and/or fishing.
3. Haul out the Loewen Book and show him how you’re related. Reassure him that you’re frintschoft but not too close. He’ll appreciate it.
4. The very next Sunday, invite him over to sample your plump juicy perogies. Refer to them as ‘vereneki’ and smother them (and maybe yourself) in schmaunt fat.
5. Throughout the meal, compliment him on his body odour and posture. Initiate footsie under the table.
6. Casually suggest a tour of the hayloft, “to check on the goats.” When the coast is clear, flop down seductively onto the softest patch of hay.
7. Later that summer, reveal your pregnancy to your father, who will force your Mennonite beau to marry you. Live happily ever after.
This step-by-step plan has an 87% success rate with Daily Bonnet staff. So try your luck and bag a Mennonite man for yourself!
(photo credits: United Soybean Board, Mennonite Church USA, Quinn Dombrowski, Jon, CK Golf, eflon, Selena NBH, April L. Sanders/CC/modified)
