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violence

Unger Suspicion

James Reimer Declines to Wear ‘Violent’ San Jose Sharks Jersey

March 19, 2023 Andrew

SAN JOSE, CA Saying that the violent imagery goes against his religion, San Jose Sharks goalie James Reimer has declined to wear the team’s jersey. “It’s something that has weighed heavily on my conscience ever […]

Unger Games

Limited Edition Dutch Blitz Set to Come Prepackaged with First Aid Kit

January 30, 2023 Andrew

HARRISONBURG, VA A new limited run of special Dutch Blitz sets will come prepackaged with bandages, sterile dressings, gauze, and antiseptic wipes. “It’s about time my Dutch Blitz cards came with a first aid kit,” […]

Unger Suspicion

Local Gas Station to Offer Free Eye-Gouging or Kick in the Groin with Every Purchase

September 26, 2022 Andrew

VANCOUVER, BC Gas stations across Vancouver are going the extra mile this week by providing each paying customer with a complimentary eye-gouging or kick in the groin. “We’re trying to stand out from the crowd […]

Unger Conviction

Mennonite Church Issues Memo Against Signing Garrett Marino

September 10, 2022 Andrew

REGINA, SK After a number of controversial hits that resulted in him being cut from the team, former Saskatchewan Roughriders defensive lineman Garrett Marino will have to look for work elsewhere. Joining the staff of […]

Unger Games

Winnipeg Jets Sign Top Free Agent Enforcer Will Smith

April 3, 2022 Andrew

WINNIPEG, MB Desperately needing to shore up their physical game if they have any shot at the playoffs, the lowly Winnipeg Jets inked the hottest enforcer currently available – Will Smith. “I’m not sure how […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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