Top Five Ways to Fight Oma Krahn

Unless you’ve been living under a rock or, like, Schanzenfeld or something, you’ve probably heard about the famous cranky Mennonite grandma Oma Krahn who’s been making her rounds across the globe. Experts recommend that you don’t invite Oma Krahn in for a cup of tea. Instead, here are five simple ways you can fend off Oma Krahn.

  • Keep your head covered. Oma Krahn simply cannot tolerate uncovered heads, especially if you’re in church or praying. Make sure you’re wearing your duak properly and you should avoid the wrath of Oma Krahn.
  • Avoid congregating in drinking establishments. While Oma Krahn seems to tolerate large gatherings on Sunday morning, nothing gets her riled up more than a few friends going out for drinks. Don’t let her catch you at the pub, or she’ll report you to the elders for sure.
  • Eat everything that’s served to you. As everyone knows there are certain foods you can eat that boost your body’s natural ability to fend off Oma Krahn. In this case, those foods are absolutely everything that Oma serves you. There’s nothing that makes Oma angrier than leftovers.
  • Don’t talk back. Oma hates sass and you’re absolutely not supposed to schputt. You certainly don’t want to have your mouth washed out with soap, so just do whatever she asks you and don’t speak unless you’re spoken to (in Plautdiestch).
  • Go get your injection. Of schmaunt fat. Oma Krahn is very eager to pour schmaunt fat down your gullet. Don’t resist. It’s more or less painless anyway. If you’re lucky, you can get a booster dose of schmaunt fat, although I hear some people may have to settle for waffle white sauce.
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