Zondervan Releases New ‘Greatest Hits’ Bible


HarperCollins-owned “Christian” publisher Zondervan has recently released a totally awesome new Bible that skips all the boring parts and just includes the stuff that people actually read today.

“People don’t have time to read the minor prophets or, like, Paul’s letter to Titus these days, so we figured we’d just cut to the chase and stick to the interesting stuff,” said Zondervan President John O’Connor. “The whole thing is twenty pages and takes about an hour to read.”

The new Greatest Hits Bible also includes a guide to reading through the entire Bible in a year.

“All you have to do is read three or four words a day,” said O’Connor. “We think it’ll really appeal to folks these day whose attention span has been completely ruined by texting.”

Zondervan consulted with biblical experts in their first year of Bible college to determine which passages would remain in the book.

“Anything about love is in. Anything about death and destruction is out. You’d be surprised how depressing some of the Psalms are. And Ecclesiastes? Man, that’s just a total downer,” said O’Connor.

Zondervan is hoping the Bible will be a hot seller this Christmas.

“It makes a great stocking stuffer,” said O’Connor. “In fact, in your typical Christmas stocking, you can jam probably 7 or 8 of these new Bibles in there.”

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