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The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Population Completely Unaffected by Global Cyberattack

May 15, 2017 Andrew

MOUNTAIN LAKE, MN While millions of internet-users around the world were afflicted by the largest cyberattack in history this weekend, anthropologists have discovered a small group of people, affectionately known as “Mennonites,” who, for some reason, […]

Unger Suspicion

Perhaps the Most Important Words Ever Written About War…

April 8, 2017 Andrew

This isn’t satire: “WAR is a racket. It always has been. It is possibly the oldest, easily the most profitable, surely the most vicious. It is the only one international in scope. It is the […]

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonites to Hold Annual ‘Running of the Dairy Cows’ Down Pennsylvania Avenue Today

January 20, 2017 Andrew

WASHINGTON, DC Inspired by a similar tradition in small town Spain, American Mennonites plan to hold their annual ‘Running of the Dairy Cows’ today in Washington, DC. “It’s nice to see they’ve already roped off […]

Unger Suspicion

Voters Head to the Polls to Select the 45th Lesser Evil of the United States

November 8, 2016 Andrew

PARIS, TX In a potentially historic election, American voters will head to the polls today to select the new Lesser Evil of the United States. “I’m confused,” said local rancher and undecided voter Dwight Owens, 37, of […]

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Lady Claims Annual Quilt Auction is ‘Rigged’

October 19, 2016 Andrew

ALTONA, MB After failing to get the winning bid at the last five church quilt auctions, Mrs. Donna Toews, 71, of Altona is now claiming that the whole system is rigged. “I’ve got evidence – I […]

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