Local Man Blames His Narrow Mind on the Zika Virus


Winkler resident and xenophobe Eric Bergen, 38, is certain that a mosquito is the sole cause of his narrow-mindedness.

“There really is no other explanation,” says Bergen from his mother’s basement that he has not left for the past fifteen years except to make a quick run to the convenience store. “It’s gotta be that mosquito I heard about on the TV.”

In recent months the World Health Organization has warned pregnant mothers in tropical regions to take precautions to prevent the Zika virus, as it has been known to cause microcephaly, or smaller than expected heads, in affected newborns.

“Let me be unequivocal,” says Winkler M.D. Angela Paton, “Mr. Bergen’s bigotry and intolerance are not the result of any mosquito, Brazilian or otherwise.”

Still, despite all evidence to the contrary, Bergen insists that his inability to cope in the real world is the mosquito’s fault.

“My mom brought me some Indian take-out the other day. Yuck. If it’s not in the Mennonite Treasury, I won’t eat it. I don’t like none of that immigrant food.”

Bergen also lists poor people, Justin Trudeau, refugees, and evolutionists among his pet peeves. “Oh, and don’t get me started on that new woman Premier of Alberta,” Bergen said.

Bergen now sleeps under a mosquito net in hopes that one day the virus will subside and his mind will expand.

(photo credit: by DFAT photo library/CC)

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