Mennonite Population Completely Unaffected by Global Cyberattack


While millions of internet-users around the world were afflicted by the largest cyberattack in history this weekend, anthropologists have discovered a small group of people, affectionately known as “Mennonites,” who, for some reason, appeared completely unaffected by the attack.

“We think they might have developed some kind of immunity to cyberattacks,” said professor Brian Johnson of the University of Southern Minnesota. “Whatever it is, we’re going to be exploring it closely to see if the lessons of the Mennonites can be applied to the rest of us.”

Elder Peter Banman of Mountain Like, Minnesota said he wasn’t quite sure why his people seem immune to cyberattacks.

“I was sending my relatives in Kansas a telegraph the other day and there didn’t seem to be any problems at all,” said Banman. “I did get a paper cut once while licking a stamp; I guess that was a kind of attack.”

Banman also described the time a rogue Russian Mennonite named Billy Loewen cut the telegraph line back in ’49.

“He was excommunicated and we haven’t had a problem since,” said Banman. “I hear he’s living on a farm somewhere near Altona.”

Because Mennonites are seemingly immune to cyberattacks, the FBI is currently looking for James Comey’s replacement from among the Mennonite population. Applicants may apply by mail or in-person at FBI headquarters in Washington, DC.

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