‘State of Emergency’ Declared at Steinbach Garage Sale Riot


Prime Minister Trudeau has followed in his father’s footsteps and invoked the War Measures Act to deal with the increasing hostility during garage sales in the small Mennonite town of Steinbach, Manitoba. In recent weekends, more than three hundred bargain-hunting Mennonites have been hospitalized at local garage sales.

“We’re worried these garage sale tensions are going to escalate and spread to other communities like Chortitz, Blumenort, and even Hochstadt,” said Trudeau. “That is why we’re putting the entire weight of the Canadian military to deal with the situation in Steinbach.”

Intelligence experts suggest that a Mrs. Reimer of Brandt Street was the first to draw blood in a skirmish with a Mrs. Friesen of Loewen Boulevard over the right to purchase a stained Chesterfield.

“After that the situation escalated quickly,” said Trudeau. “Things are especially heated on Thursdays after women’s Bible study.”

Mrs. Reimer is already organizing her ladies into a militia group known as the Front de Liberation de Steinbach, dedicated to liberating local garage sales from Friesen control.

“She gets there first thing in the morning and buys all the good stuff,” said Mrs. Reimer. “Sometimes she even gets there before they open and pleads with them to let her have early access. It’s unfair!”

Locals are unanimous in their praise for Prime Minister Trudeau and his handling of the situation.

“I will always remember the May Crisis of 2018,” said local woman Mrs. Peters. “I will be eternally grateful that we had the sort of proactive leadership that saw what was going on in Steinbach and reacting swiftly.”

This is only the second time the Canadian military has entered the city of Steinbach. The last time being in June of 1972 when a riot broke out after Miss Amanda Kornelsen wore a tank top to church.

(photo credit: Romerito Pontes/CC)

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