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Month: May 2018

Unger Suspicion

Don Cherry Says Suit is Inspired By Mennonite Floor Patterns

May 31, 2018 Andrew

TORONTO, ON CBC broadcasting legend Don Cherry is known for his loud clothing, but throughout the playoffs he has been sporting “suits inspired by Mennonite floor patterns.” “I’ve been to Neubergthal and the museum there […]

Unger Suspicion

Jordan Peterson Refuses to Use God’s Preferred Pronouns

May 30, 2018 Andrew

TORONTO, ON Controversial University of Toronto professor Jordan Peterson has been become infamous in his efforts to battle so-called “political correctness,” and has resolutely refused to use the preferred pronouns of many individuals, including, apparently, […]

Unger & Thirst

Mennonites React to Doug Ford’s ‘Buck a Beer’ Plan

May 30, 2018 Andrew

TORONTO, ON Brother of late great Toronto mayor Rob Ford, Ontario PC candidate Doug Ford has gained a lot of attention for his unconventional policy proposals during this provincial election campaign. Recently, Ford proposed to […]

Unger Suspicion

Mennonites Shun Patrik Laine For Shaving Off His Beard

May 28, 2018 Andrew

TAMPERE, FINLAND After a playoff run that ended in disaster against the Vegas Knights, Winnipeg Jets superstar Patrik Laine has left the Mennonite faith and decided to shave off his beard and toss his suspenders […]

The Daily Bonnet

Quilt Cartel Jacks Up Prices at Mennonite Relief Sale

May 27, 2018 Andrew

NEW HAMBURG, ON According to sources, a group of Mennonite ladies from southern Ontario have banded together to control the supply of quilts into the region. The cartel, known as the Ontario Producers of Elaborate […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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