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Month: July 2023

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Couple Can’t Decide Between Seeing ‘Barbie’ … or ‘Sound of Freedom’ for the Tenth Time

July 31, 2023 Andrew

STEINBACH, MB Forget Oppenheimer, the real choice facing southern Manitobans these days is whether to dress in pink and go to the fun summer movie they actually want to see or to go yet again […]

Unger Suspicion

‘X’ Rebranded as ‘PG-13’ for Sensitive Mennonites

July 30, 2023 Andrew

INTERCOURSE, PA Realizing he had unintentionally alienated a sizeable chunk of potential users, X CEO Elon Musk has launched a new PG-13 App especially for Mennonites. “Rest assured, there’s not a single exposed ankle or […]

Unger & Thirst

Liquor Store Strike Leaves Mennonites Without Any Place to Judge Each Other

July 29, 2023 Andrew

STEINBACH, MB As workers at Manitoba liquor stores have been on strike this week, thousands of Mennonites have been left without any place to cast sidelong glances and whisper disparaging remarks about their friends and […]

Unger & Thirst

Abbotsford Family Subsists All Summer on Blackberries Picked By the Side of the Road

July 28, 2023 Andrew

ABBOTSFORD, BC The Neufelds of Abbotsford have been eating nothing but wild blackberries from the side of the road this entire summer and Earl is getting a little cranky at the lack of variety. “Ugh, […]

Unger & Thirst

Mennonite Woman Bids Fond Farewell to Future Farmer Sausage

July 26, 2023 Andrew

GRUNTHAL, MB Earlier this week, Mrs. Erin Neufeld, 22, of Grunthal, Manitoba paid her last respects to her beloved pig Stockwell, named after the former leader of the Canadian Alliance Party. “I’ll be seeing you […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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