2016 Nobel Peace Prize to be Shared by All Mennonites


The Nobel committee in Oslo has taken the unusual step this year in awarding the annual Peace Prize to “every single Mennonite on the planet.” The committee was particularly impressed with Mennonite conflict resolution strategies such as drawing straws and scapegoating the town drunk.

“We are hoping that drawing straws will be able to solve the Israeli-Palestinian conflict once and for all,” said Nobel committee member Jorgen Rasmussen. “Thanks to methods like this fewer people have been killed by Mennonites than by any other group in the history of the world.”

The prize, which comes with a monetary award equivalent to one million US dollars, will be divided among the world’s two million Mennonites, leaving each person with a handsome fifty cents to save or spend as they please on Papsi and Ravels.

“If Barack Obama can win a Nobel Peace Prize for doing nothing, then I don’t see why the Mennonites shouldn’t win a prize or two,” said Rasmussen. “Based on that precedent, the Mennonites have got the prize in the bag for the next two million years.”

The fifty cent award will be given to all Mennonites who show up to ceremony at Olso City Hall in early December. Faspa to follow.

(Photo credit: Andrew A. Miller Photographs, MCUSA/CC/Modified)

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