Hypnotist Claims to Remove Mennonite Schmaunt Fat Cravings


Mennonites flocked to the Days Inn in North Kildonan this week in hopes of eliminating their schmaunt fat cravings by a very unique method: hypnosis. Renowned American Mennonite hypnotist Nobrane has been charging $89.99 to remove unwanted cravings in suckers for years.

“It worked wonders,” said Peter Fehr of Winkler. “First they give you a gift certificate for the local Mennonite buffet. It’s all you can eat, so naturally I stuffed myself. Then Nobrane gets you to close your eyes and count to three and my schmaunt fat cravings are gone!”

There has been an increased demand for the service, since Pastor Jim’s latest sermon series on gluttony.

“Oba, I realized that all the things I considered pleasurable were actually a sin,” said Fehr. “Coffee, chatting in the church lobby, even schmaunt fat!”

Fehr also asked Nobrane to help him remove his desire to glance longingly at the women’s section in church.

“This hypnosis has really worked for me!” exclaimed Fehr. “I haven’t gone this long without schmaunt fat or staring at Martha Petkau in my entire life!”

Fehr reportedly went ten minutes before the cravings returned with a vengeance and he had to be re-hypnotised for another 90 bucks.

(photo credit: osseous/CC)

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