New Mennonite EpiPen Injects Emergency Supply of Schmaunt Fat


Mennonites throughout southern Manitoba have been lining up outside local pharmacies to get their hands on a newly redesigned EpiPen that injects an emergency supply of schmaunt fat straight into the user’s bloodstream.

“We’re confident this new Schmaunt Fat EpiPen will save thousands of lives,” said inventor and physician Dr. Barney Falk. “There are times when Mennonites are low on schmaunt fat or when they’ve come into contact with too many vegetables, that they need a direct injection to keep their schmaunt fat levels steady.”

Concerned parent Mary Schmidt of Plum Coulee was first in line to purchase the new medical device.

“I’m usually pretty good at monitoring my schmaunt fat intake to make sure I’m getting enough,” said Schmidt, “but sometimes I worry about my son and whether he’s taking in sufficent amounts of the white cream gravy. I just hope I can convince him to carry this EpiPen with him all the time.”

New users of the EpiPen are being asked to practice injecting schmaunt fat on a partner, so that in an emergency they will remain calm and able to provide a life-saving dose of the delicious sludge.

“You flip off the cap, and slam the needle into the patient’s thigh,” said Dr. Falk. “By the time you count to ten, the schmaunt fat is already working.”

At press time, it is not known whether Blue Cross insurance will cover the new apparatus.

(photo credit: Greg Friese/CC)

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