Local Woman Sells ‘Essential Mennonite Oils’


Local woman Mrs. Hiebert has launched a new alternative medicine program aimed at restoring Mennonites to health and vitality “through a specially designed program of concentrated hydrophobic essential Mennonite oils.”

“Through extensive scientific research at faspa the last four Sundays I have discovered the seven essential Mennonite oils,” said Hiebert. “Schmaunt fat, Roger’s Golden Syrup, white sauce, dandelion wine, baptismal water, farmer sausage drippings, and, of course Papsi.”

Hiebert spent all last week condensing Grandma Dyck’s schmaunt fat and filling tiny vials to be sold at $29.99 a piece.

“We can’t make any promises, but Mrs. Wiebe and Mr. Platt are already reporting an increase in energy, mental alertness and sexual stamina!” said Hiebert. “My hope is that a steady diet of these essential Mennonite oils will do the same for you!”

Hiebert has also started a multi-level marketing company, so you can guilt your frintschoft into buying huge quantities of her “Magical mystery Menno oil,” which is thought to be a combination of the grape juice left over in the communion cups and Oncle Henry’s sweat.

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