Festive Mennonite Couple Fills House to the Brim with Totally Useless Shit


Local couple Ryan and Diane Hiebert of Abbotsford have busied themselves buying truckloads of completely useless shit for the holiday season. It’s been quite stressful for the couple as their list of people to buy useless shit for continues to grow each year.

“It’s that time of year again,” said Diane, wearing a totally ugly-ass Christmas sweater. “Buying totally stupid crap that people don’t really want is a Hiebert family tradition!”

As Christmas approaches, the Hieberts have been in panic mode accumulating utterly useless decorations, impractical presents, and food they’ll eventually throw in the trash.

“Hey, Ryan, check out this stupid plastic piece of crap toy I got for little Bethany,” hollered Diane across the living room full of complete garbage. “I’m sure she’ll love it. She still plays with that piece of crap toy we got her last year…I think.”

The Hieberts have purchased more than fifty totally shitty presents from Wal-Mart this year and hope their craptastic gifts will provide joy and warmth to their loved ones, before being unceremoniously dumped in the trash and sent to the landfill in March.

“Christmas is my absolute favourite time of year to spend lots of money on useless disposable crap made in sweatshops,” said Diane. “After all, what better way to honour the birth of our saviour than buying lots and lots of stupid shit? It’s what Christmas is all about!”

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