Anthropologists Shocked! Russian Mennonites aren’t really Russian and Pennsylvania Dutch aren’t really Dutch


Anthropological researchers from the University of New Zealand have recently made a shocking discovery about two prominent groups of Mennonites, the so-called Russians and the Pennsylvania Dutch.

“Neither one of them are what they claim to be,” said Dr. Frank Spring, who’s had an interest in Anabaptist groups ever since he watched ‘Witness’ on cable television late one night. “The Russians are actually Dutch or Prussian and the Pennsylvania Dutch are German. I’m not sure where they got these ridiculous labels.”

The news came as quite the shock to the Mennonites across North America who had been filling out their census forms incorrectly for years.

Diewel, what will these anthro-watchamacallits think of next!” said Mr. Reimer, who can no longer call himself a Russian Mennonite. “Next thing you know they’ll be saying our ancestors were monkeys!”

The Pennsylvania Dutch community was equally perturbed, but were relieved to know they no longer had to wear wooden shoes and pretend to like cannabis.

“Looks like those Russian Mennonites are the real Dutchmen,” said Mr. Mast. “That’s fine with me. At least I’ll be able to cut back on the gouda.”

In response to the new research, some suggested changing the name of Dutch Blitz to German Blitz, but everyone agreed that would present a marketing challenge that would be just too difficult to overcome.

(photo credit: Travel Manitoba/CC)

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