Your Free Mennonite Horoscope for Today


Oba, you are one lucky Mennonite. Be open to receiving whatever frozen mystery item Grandma Penner might pull out of the freezer and attempt to microwave for you. You will survive this encounter and be rewarded with riches of a vague and undetermined nature, most likely plumi moos.

ARIES (March 21 – April 20):

Careful. The stars say that the elders are out to get you. They are monitoring your behaviour very closely after that embarrassing debacle at faspa last Sunday. Be especially aware of Elder Krahn. He cannot be trusted, not even to open the pickle jars.

TAURUS (April 21 – May 21):

You need to be transparent and honest with your second cousin Lina and tell her how you truly feel about her. Lina’s feelings for you are complicated, but you need to express your love or risk losing out to Gerhard. Proceed with caution, however, as Lina is a feisty Leo.

GEMINI (May 22 – June 21):

Be bold. Do something you’ve never done before today and never mind “what the people might think.” Shop on a Sunday. Have a beer in public. Smile. Laugh audibly. Wear pants.

CANCER (June 22 – July 23):

You will hear some nasty gossip about the Reimers today, something that will shake you to the very core. You must resist the urge to spread this gossip to Mrs. Friesen as it may end up in the church bulletin and that would damage your relationship with the Reimers. Tell Mrs. Unger instead.

LEO (July 24 – Aug. 23):

You are feeling overwhelmed and overworked at the window factory or Credit Union this morning. Find solace in the words of Hymn 606. The answers to all your life’s problems are contained in the oft-neglected verse 3. Sing this verse with particular zeal today and your stress will disappear quicker than Oma Loewen’s strawberry rhubarb tarts.

VIRGO (Aug. 24 – Sept. 23):

Use your uncanny ability to come up with witty sayings in Plautdietsch to resolve various social, domestic, or religious disputes you may encounter. “How many Mennonites does it take to change a lightbulb?” always goes over well. Remember, a Mennonite’s only weapon is a Low German joke.

LIBRA (Sept. 24 – Oct. 23):

You are worried about your finances, especially when the horses needs shoeing and the church parking lot needs paving. Be generous with your resources and you will receive tenfold in return from your Uncle Johan who is soon to be deceased.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 – Nov. 22):

You may be tempted to rush things in the barn this morning. Slow down and take a deep breath. Don’t worry, the cows will get milked, but for your sanity and the health of the cows it’s important that you’re calm and steady at the udders this morning. Be gentle and the milk will be bountiful.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23 – Dec. 21):

Take more time for quilting today. Sometimes your schedule of baking schnetke and canning beets is distracting from more important things in life, like making sure all 47 grandkids have authentic grandma-made heirlooms this Christmas.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 20):

Consider your physical health. Drink more water and less dandelion wine. Do a few jumping jacks, though not in such a manner that they could be misconstrued as dancing. Try out these strange things that Englishers call “vegetables.” Keep your platz consumption to under half a tray.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 21 – Feb. 19):

Abe is trying. Go easy on him.

PISCES (Feb. 20 – Mar. 20):

The MCC store is yours today. You will find all the best items at the best prices. The deals will be so good, in fact, that you’ll just stare at that blouse and think there must be a mistake of some sort, but being a good Mennonite, you’ll gladly pay the price and then brag to all your friends about how you totally scored at the thrift store. Today, you truly are the Queen of the MCC.

(photo credit: Morgan/CC)

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