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drugs

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Town Implements Needle Exchange Program for Knitting-Addicted Grandmas

December 20, 2017 Andrew

BIRD-IN-HAND, PA The small Mennonite town of Bird-in-Hand, Pennsylvania has become the first community in the nation to introduce a knitting needle exchange program for local grandmas. Starting this January, local knitters will be able […]

Unger & Thirst

FDA Approves the Sale of ‘Mennonite Viagra’

June 14, 2017 Andrew

SILVER SPRING, MD After rigorous testing in a secret facility somewhere near Harrisonburg, Virginia, the United States Food and Drug Administration has approved the sale of a controversial new pharmaceutical product called ‘Mennonite Viagra.’ The […]

Unger & Thirst

Mennonite Woman Arrested at Border for Possession of Poppyseed Cake

April 12, 2017 Andrew

EMERSON, MB Local woman, Mrs. Schultz, 81, of the Altona area was arrested on charges of narcotic smuggling after she left a Tupperware container of her famous poppyseed cake in the back seat of her […]

Unger & Thirst

Altona Woman Gets Permit to Use ‘Medicinal Dill Weed’

October 13, 2016 Andrew

ALTONA, MB Altona residents were ecstatic this week after a federal court struck down a ban on the medicinal use of dill weed that had been in place since the late 1960s. “There are so many recipes in the […]

Unger & Thirst

Mennonite Man Enters Rehab with Waffle Addiction

August 1, 2016 Andrew

STEINBACH, MB Residents are already calling him the ‘Amy Winehouse of Waffles,’ and after an entire weekend where he consumed more than three hundred waffles and fifteen gallons of white sauce, local man Arnold Warkentin […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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