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drugs

Unger & Thirst

Steinbachers to Vote on Whether to Legalize Romaine Lettuce

November 25, 2018 Andrew

STEINBACH, MB After dozens of people have taken ill from E. coli-tainted romaine lettuce, Steinbach city council decided it was time to see how locals felt about this dangerous and addictive substance. “We’re gonna do […]

Unger & Thirst

Steinbachers ‘Super Excited’ to Finally Have Some Sort of Prohibition Once Again

October 25, 2018 Andrew

STEINBACH, MB After decades of being the only community in Manitoba to ban alcohol sales, Steinbach has felt a little out-of-sorts since the first liquor store opened in 2009. So, this October, as Canada legalized […]

Unger Suspicion

Canada Pays Off Entire Federal Debt One Day After Marijuana Legalization

October 18, 2018 Andrew

OTTAWA, ON Less than 24 hours after cannabis became legal in Canada, the federal government announced they had made so much money in tax revenue from the sale of legal weed that they were able […]

Unger & Thirst

Canadian Mennonites Lineup to Get Their Hands on Legal Platz

October 17, 2018 Andrew

SOUTH BLUMENORT, MB Ten of thousands of Mennonites across Canada have been lining up outside platz shops today to get their hands on legal platz for the first time in nearly 100 years. “It’s a […]

Unger & Thirst

Recent Overdoses in Altona May Be Linked to Star Anise

July 17, 2018 Andrew

ALTONA, MB Three Mennonite men have been released from Altona Hospital this past week following consumption of Aunt Bertha’s chicken noodle soup which police say may have been laced with excessive amounts of star anise. “This […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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