Mennonite Supreme Court Rules Life Begins at Baptism


The Mennonite Supreme Court in Zurich ruled 5-4 this weekend that “life begins at baptism around the age of 18 just before you get married.”

“If you’re not a baptized member of the church, your voice doesn’t really count for anything now does it?” said Mennonite chief justice Clarence Thiessen. “I know different churches have different positions on this matter, but for us Mennonites, we all know that life really own begins once you’re baptized as an adult and can vote on pressing church matters like whether the knives should go to the left or right of the forks in the church kitchen.”

The ruling stands in stark contrast to other Christian denominations who have a variety of positions on the issue of when life begins.

“Great Catholic theologian St. Augustine argued that life begins after three months when the soul is implanted,” explained Thiessen. “Calvinists, on the other hand, believe that life begins at some predestined time that no one really knows. Although the Calvinist Supreme Court has yet to rule on the issue as they couldn’t agree on a date to hold the hearing.”

Mennonite judges were quick to point out that just because your “life begins after baptism,” doesn’t mean you’re actually allowed to do whatever you want the moment the baptismal service is over.

“When we say that ‘your life begins’ what we really mean is that it’s actually all over for you,” said Thiessen, “and from now on all your decisions at the whim and behest of Mr. Kroeker over in Schanzenhimmelfeld.”

The new ruling has got some Mennonites thinking about giving up 500 years of tradition and baptizing a few infants.

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