KITCHENER, ON
Tired of the notoriously unreliable English translations, local man John B. Kornelsen of Kitchener has been relearning German in order to read the Bible in its original script.
“You can’t rely on these new fangled English translations,” explained Mr. Kornelsen. “These biased translators seem to follow every new wind of doctrine and just insert it into the Bible as they see fit. Nay, let me tell you, if you’re really serious about studying God’s Word, you’ve got to get back to the original. That’s why I’ve been brushing up on my German for the past six months.”
Kornelsen says its been hard work learning the language of Jesus and his disciples, but says it will all be worth it when he’s able to read the Bible as it was intended to be read.
“I hope that my dedication and seriousness will be an inspiration for others to follow my lead,” said Kornelsen. “I wish that every believer could read the Heilige Schrift for themselves.”
After a careful study of the original Bible manuscripts, Kornelsen has uncovered many shocking new revelations.
“The manna from Heaven? Well, that was actually schnitzel,” claimed Kornelsen. “I’ve also learned that Eve tempted Adam, not with an apple, but with Grandma’s delicious apfelstrudel.”
Sources close to Mr. Kornelsen report that he has been learning German entirely by listening to Kraftwerk records.
