Mennonite Grandma Can Finally Sleep Tonight Because She Didn’t Run Out of Food at the Gathering


Mrs. Pankratz can count on a good solid six hours of sleep tonight after the family gathering that she’d been worrying about for months came and went without a single person starving to death.

“That’s my biggest fear,” said Mrs. Pankratz. “I’d hate to think that a Pankratz went hungry after insufficient quantities of foarmavorscht, ham, bubbat, plautz, turkey, pickles, cheese curds, gravy, creamed corn, whipped-cream and jell-o salad, pumpkin pie and borscht.”

Mrs. Pankratz had been kept up every night for months crunching numbers to make sure she had way more food than was necessary.

“If you don’t have to undo a pant’s button after the Pankratz gathering, I consider myself a complete failure,” said Grandma Pankratz. “Man cannot live on tutes alone, you know.”

After every Pankratz member weighed in a good six pounds heavier than when they entered, Mrs. Pankratz breathed a long sign of relief, put on her nightclothes and snuggled up next to her Henry, who was way too fast asleep from all the eating to notice that she was very clearly coming on to him.

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