Mennonite Grandma Arrested for Force-Feeding Unsuspecting Grandson


Mennonite grandmother Betsy Petkau, 63, was arrested this week after using her charm and persistence to convince her twenty-year-old grandson Jeff to eat an entire roast chicken and two gallons of potato salad. Young Jeff spent the weekend in Emergency as a result of the excessive food consumption.

“She just kept saying, ‘There’s more, Jeff. There’s more. Don’t be shy.’ Well, there’s always more! It never stops,” said a bloated and uncomfortable Jeff Petkau. “She makes way too much food for just the two of us and then acts like her feelings will be terribly hurt if I don’t eat it all.”

Mrs. Petkau has pled not-guilty to the charges, saying that her grandson could have walked away from the table any time he wanted.

“I didn’t force anything on him,” said Mrs. Petkau. “I only made really really persistent suggestions. All I was doing was pointing out the fact that there was food that had yet to be consumed, and that if it wasn’t I would be utterly devastated.”

Following in the Mennonite tradition of making way way too much food, Mrs. Petkau argues that once the food is made, it’s really a shame if it goes to waste.

“It’s either Jeff finishes it,” said Petkau, “or I save it and eat it myself for the next three months.”

After a thorough search of her apartment, the police uncovered a force-feeding tube usually used to fatten up goose and duck livers.

“That means nothing,” said Petkau. “When I jam that thing down my grandson’s throat, he loves it. He always politely nods and says, ‘yes, Grandma, more cream corn please,’ and then I pour it on down his gullet.”

Even after young Jeff had keeled over on his grandmother’s living room floor, Mrs. Petkau kept on heaping spoonfuls of meatballs and mashed potatoes down his throat. Luckily, Jeff saw his chance to escape when his grandmother went back into the kitchen to reheat the perishki.

“I was lucky I made it out of there alive,” said Jeff. “I love my grandma, but I think we’ll all be a lot safer if her cooking is carefully monitored by the authorities.”

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