Mennonite Elder Board to Determine Scheifele’s Fate


After a controversial hit on Montreal forward Jake Evans last night, Mark Scheifele of the Winnipeg Jets is being brought in front of a Mennonite elder board who will determine his fate.

“Mennonites are pacifists,” said Elder Krahn, “in most circumstances anyway. When it comes to hockey we make a few exceptions.”

It is hoped that decades of experience weighing matters of peace and violence will give the elders a unique ability to mete out justice in this case.

“Worst case scenario he’ll have to confess his sins in front of the entire congregation,” said Krahn. “We Mennonites take issues like this very seriously. I mean, if the Catholics were in charge all he’d have to do is just say a few dozen Our Fathers and be done with it.”

The decision will hinge on whether or not Scheifele’s body check is considered clean and within the rules of the game.

“We’re going to look at archival footage from the EM Cup and see if there’s a precedent,” said Krahn. “We’ve see quite the hits from the Rosenort team over the years.”

The elder board is also requiring the entire Winnipeg Jets team to sleep on the Chesterfield with plastic sheets until they stop shitting the bed like they did last game. 

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