Americans Feel So Much Safer After Assassination of Some Guy They Never Heard of Before


Mr. Dueck of Seminole is breathing a sigh of relief this morning after it was revealed that some guy he’d never heard of before was now dead.

“Finally I can sleep at night!” said Dueck, quickly Googling ‘General Qasem Solemaini’ so he can look smart at the coffee shop this afternoon. “I’m glad we finally have a President who looks after our interests instead of just being concerned about his own reelection!”

After skimming the Wikipedia article about Solemaini, Dueck now believes that the assassination was definitely justified.

“I don’t know how we survived and thrived as a country all these years with that guy I just heard of his morning around,” said Dueck. “Good thing that guy from out over there somewhere is gone!”

Dueck spent the rest of the afternoon arguing with people on the Internet and informing them about some group he recently learned about, but cannot pronounce, called Quds Force.

“You don’t have to be scared of them anymore,” said Dueck to his buddies who informed him they weren’t actually afraid to begin with. “Having watched more than three YouTube videos on the topic, I can tell you that the world is a lot safer now that what’s his name is dead!”

After a full day’s worth of reading Internet comments, Dueck is now the nation’s self-proclaimed foremost expert on foreign policy and is looking forward to his work as a pundit on Fox News in the very near future.

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