Man in Cheetos-Stained Boxer Shorts Appointed Captain of the Winnipeg Jets


Big news in the hockey world this week as local mom’s basement-dweller Al Kroeker, 38, of Winnipeg has just been appointed Captain of the Winnipeg Jets for the upcoming season.

“It looks like the Jets are going with 4 assistant captains plus some dude from North Kildonan,” said TSN hockey analyst Bob McKenzie. “We’ll see how they do this season, but I’m optimistic that this young man can put down his XBox controller long enough to captain this team.”

Kroeker says the appointment came as no surprise as he’s been yelling at the screen during Jets games for years.

“Quite frankly, I think they should have made me head coach. Once it became clear they couldn’t get Barry Trotz, I should have been the first one they called,” said Kroeker, licking the Cheetos dust from his fingers. “But I guess this captaincy will have to do. I’m sure I’ll bring fresh new perspective to the locker room.”

Kroeker will be showing up in sweat pants before each game and promises to offer insights from his many years of playing various EA Sports games.

“I feel bad for Blake Wheeler,” said Kroeker, “but, you know, the Jets really needed to make a change.”

Kroeker is also hoping to be able to drunkenly belch out the national anthem before each home game.

(photo credit: mrehen/CC)

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