Mennonite Pastor Launches String of F-Bombs in Last Sermon Before Retirement


Local Mennonite pastor, Reverend Schmidt, whose recent lotto-649 win has afforded him an early retirement, unleashed a string of f-bombs in his final sermon as head of East Reimersfeld Mennonite.

“He sure let us have it!” said one parishioner. “I can’t say we didn’t deserve it. I mean I’ve been quite the jackass this year with my meddling in the women’s ministry and all that. I just wish he had chosen a different set of vocabulary.”

The f-bomb attack was the largest use of violence by a Mennonite pastor since Reverend Heinrich Baerg joined the Selbstschutz back in the old country.

“Oba, I wanted to walk out after about forty minutes, but I’ve been taught all my life that a sermon lasts one hour and fifteen minutes and that it’s rude to leave early,” said Mrs. Loewen. “I really wish he hadn’t dropped so many f-bombs, but I guess it’s what we get for reducing his salary every year for the past decade.”

Schmidt has defended his actions saying that it’s everyone’s dream to quit their job like this.

“I’m sure everyone in my congregation wishes they could just go up to Abe at the concrete factory or Jim at the chicken barn and say ‘take this job and shove it,'” explained Schmidt. “Well, I finally got my chance.”

Schmidt plans to retire to the Fraser Valley where he’ll spend his days having faspa with frintschoft, which were the most shocking use of f-words in his hour-long tyrade.

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