‘Birthers’ Demand Baptism Certificate from Daily Bonnet Founder


Skeptical of his Mennonite credentials, a half dozen conspiracy nuts from just outside Steinbach are demanding to see the baptism certificate of Daily Bonnet author Andrew Unger.

“We want to see his long-form baptism certificate to make sure he wasn’t baptized as a baby!” screamed protestor Stephen Schmidt. “He seems far too irreverent to be a real Mennonite.”

According to an obscure Steinbach law, Mennnonite satirists must be born in Mennonite country and baptized within weeks of their high school graduation. If they are not, they are deemed ineligible to schput. The punishment for violation of the law is three months picking weeds in Mrs. Klassen’s backyard.

“He better not have been sprinkled at the St. Boniface Hospital,” screamed Schmidt. “That place churns out nothing but papists.”

Unger was happy to produce his genealogy and baptism certificate, but this was insufficient for the nutbars.

“We want DNA evidence linking him to Menno Simons,” yelled Schmidt from the top of the Steinbach water tower. “Unless he produces such evidence by 4 pm this afternoon, I’m going to report him to the EMBCCUSACANADA elders!”

Unger refused to meet with the angry protestors but said he would happy to provide photographs of his first faspa as an infant.

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