Man Escapes Mennonite Section of Heaven, Shocked at What He Finds


Mr. Abe Penner passed away in January 1968 and, for almost fifty years, had been living a quiet peaceful existence in the Mennonite section of Heaven, blissfully unaware of the vast expanse of Paradise that lay just beyond the border.

“I have to admit, when I first got here it was a lot smaller than I expected and everyone spoke Plautdietsch,” explained Penner. “Quite frankly, it’s a lot like home, but the housebarns are much larger and there aren’t any elders around to tell us what to do.”

Everything changed for Mr. Penner this past week when a mixup in paperwork had him transferred to the Catholic section.

“What the heck is this place and who are these people?” wondered Mr. Penner as he sauntered past mansions filled with people who baptize babies. “Oba, nay! If I had known they’d be letting Catholics in here I’d have been a lot less uptight about the drinking and dancing while I was alive.”

Mr. Penner spent hours in the Catholic section before discovering Lutherans, Pentecostals, and even some people from “far off lands whose language and customs I could not understand.”

“The diversity here is astonishing. It’s not at all like Schanzenschultz,” said Mr. Penner. “It’s as if all that fighting over theology back on Earth was a complete waste of time or something.”

Mr. Penner has decided to stay in the Catholic section for the rest of eternity because “they seem to be having a lot more fun.”

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