Fight the Seven Signs of Mennonite Aging

We all change as we get older, but that doesn’t mean you have to become your parents. Here are the Daily Bonnet, we’re committed to helping you identify and fight the seven signs of aging…for Mennonites. As Mennonites age, they need to be on the lookout for these clues. Once you get all seven, there’s no hope for you. But as long as you’re just beginning on this path, there’s still a chance you can stop, or at least slow down the Mennonite aging process.

  1. Perogy Gut  – More common in men, than in women, perogy gut (a.k.a. vereniki gut) only increases as we age. The best way to stop it is by consuming kale. Ah, forget it, perogy gut it is.
  2. Uncontrollable Gossiping – The inability to stop yourself from whispering about Mrs. Loewen’s daughter Rebecca is a sure sign of an aging Mennonite. The condition, also known as Mrs. Thiessen’s Syndrome, adversely affects 3 out of 4 Mennonites over the age of thirty. The only way to stop it is to mind your own business.
  3. Chatting with the Serving Staff –As Mennonites age, they increasing feel the need to chat up the server at the local coffee shop. Other related signs include, leaning in to read the server’s name tag, telling mildly off-colour jokes that your wife (when she was alive) would never have let you get away with, and speaking so loud in Plautdietsch the whole restaurant can hear you. Once Mennonites reach this stage, caregivers should make sure they never leave the house as this is really embarrassing for everyone.
  4. Body Odour  – Failure to bathe and/or use deodorant is a right of passage for Mennonite men. ‘Opa’s Cologne’ is a easily recognizable scent but, thankfully, one that can easily be addressed. Putting Speed Stick in the stockings at Christmas can go a long way to fight this sign of Mennonite aging.
  5. Speaking Plautdietsch to the Young People – Whenever an older Mennonite person meets a young person for the first time they always revert to Plautdietsch and feign indignation when the young person does not reply in kind. Insisting on telling long-winded stories about the old country is another sign. Unfortunately, scientists have yet to come up with a suitable solution to these issues.
  6. Scrabble Addiction – If you’ve noticed an increased desire to play Scrabble, you’ve got to nip that in bud ASAP. As soon as you start memorizing all the 2-letter words, you’re done for, so please look for the signs and stop yourself before you end up spending six hours a day in the common room with the Friesen sisters.
  7. Longer Meddachschlop – Meddachschlop is for Sunday afternoons only. If you feel the need to take a nap with Martha just any old time, you’ve got to see the Pastor for counselling immediately.
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