British Columbian Freezes to Death Within Minutes of Arriving in Winnipeg


Mr. Mark Thiessen of Chilliwack froze to death after walking a hundred metres from the airport terminal to his rental car this weekend. Police found his frozen corpse, with his debit card in hand, just outside the place you go to pay for the parking.

“It’s a real tragedy,” said Constable Henderson. “If he had made it to the rental car, he would have been the first British Columbian ever to survive their arrival in Winnipeg in January.”

Because of his pioneering efforts to build bridges between the BC and Manitoba Mennonite communities, Thiessen is being honoured as a martyr in his home church in Chilliwack.

“He was a very brave man,” said friend of the family Joseph Schmidt. “Going all the way out there to Manitoba…and all he was wearing was your typical BC winter wear…you know, a raincoat and galoshes. He’s really a hero of the faith. Laying down his life to visit relatives…”

Thiessen’s body is being left in the parking lot, where it will be well preserved by the subzero temperatures that envelop Winnipeg throughout the year.

“For a BC resident, making it to your car in Winnipeg is a bit like climbing Everest, and requires similar preparation and specialized equipment,” said Henderson. “I’m hoping to set up a base camp here at the airport to provide support, oxygen, and sherpas to needy BC visitors.”

In other news, Winnipeger Timmy Froese died of heat stroke within moments of arriving in the Paraguayan Chaco.

Mennonite Moms Gather for Wine O'Clock...I Mean "Bible Study"
Canadian Men's Hockey Team is Mostly Just Random Dudes from Your Church Floor Hockey League