Manitoba Government Declares Winter Over as of March 1


Despite a preponderance of evidence to the contrary, winter is officially over, according to the Manitoba government who picked March 1 as the “first day of spring.”

“What the heck? I’ve still got a snowbank at the end of my driveway that’s higher than the roof of my car,” said Mr. Rempel of North Kildonan. “They can call it over all they want, but I’m still wearing my parka and garbage mitts until at least the end of the month.”

The government claims the new first day of spring was picked more or less at random.

“People feel better about our long cold winters when you make up a date and tell them it’s all over,” said a government spokesperson. “Manitoba winters have a bit of a poor reputation, and it’s time we just stick our heads in a snowbank and pretend it’s not as bad as it really is.”

Manitoba meteorologists will be asked to add 30 degrees to all weather reports and refrain from mentioning the word “snow.”

“It’s sunny and plus 20 Celsius today,” said one local weatherman, reading from a script. “Time to get out the shorts and bask in the glory of an early-March Manitoba summer!”

In order to help with the new “Summer” messaging, the Winnipeg Jets were asked to stop playing, but they responded by saying they already did that weeks ago.

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