Angry MP Calls Yerba Mate Gourds ‘Woke’


Conservative MP Lindsey Rude says she’s sick and tired of all the environmentally-friendly yerba mate gourds she sees around town.

“The gourds are bad enough,” said Rude, “but they’ve even got those woke reusable metal straws!”

Rude says she won’t be drinking any more yerba mate until she can drink it out of a plastic straw and disposable paper cup like a good proper Member of Parliament.

“I say we boycott yerba mate until a proper alternative is found,” said Rude. “This used to the drink of the common Paraguayan Mennonite and now it’s so woke only the hipsters in Kensington Market will drink it.”

Several of her colleagues, however, were not convinced by Rude’s plan.

“I like the yerba mate gourds just as they are,” said MP Ted Falk. “Besides, with the traditional gourds, we have a much better chance of fooling the Prime Minister into thinking its marijuana.”

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