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pacifism

The Daily Bonnet

Whole Foods Bans MCC Peace Buttons

November 8, 2020 Andrew

TORONTO, ON In order to be consistent with their recent poppy ban, Whole Foods Canada has also banned anyone from coming into the store wearing one of those MCC Peace Buttons. “Please wear a mask, […]

The Daily Bonnet

Gambler Wins Big By Betting on Mennonite UFC Fighter

September 2, 2020 Andrew

INDIANAPOLIS, IN Centuries of pent-up aggression have been released in UFC rings this season as the Yoders and other Mennonites seem to be totally dominating their opponents. “I know it seems counter-intuitive, but I’ve won […]

Unger Suspicion

“Fearless” Man Refuses to Wear a Mask But Absolutely Petrified to Enter a Grocery Store Without His Gun

August 25, 2020 Andrew

SEMINOLE, TX Mr. Janzen, 41, of Seminole, laughs every time he sees those “sheeple” wearing their silly masks all over the place. Janzen is a very brave man who trusts only in the Lord and […]

Unger Suspicion

Americans Feel So Much Safer After Assassination of Some Guy They Never Heard of Before

January 4, 2020 Andrew

SEMINOLE, TX Mr. Dueck of Seminole is breathing a sigh of relief this morning after it was revealed that some guy he’d never heard of before was now dead. “Finally I can sleep at night!” […]

Unger Conviction

Poppy and Peace Button Wage War for Space on Mennonite Man’s Lapel

November 11, 2019 Andrew

KITCHENER, ON For more than fifty years the vacant space on Mr. Funk’s lapel has been quiet and peaceful. Sadly, however, a war for territorial supremacy has recently broken out between a poppy and an […]

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