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pacifism

Unger Conviction

Mennonite Elder Board to Determine Scheifele’s Fate

June 3, 2021 Andrew

WINNIPEG, MB After a controversial hit on Montreal forward Jake Evans last night, Mark Scheifele of the Winnipeg Jets is being brought in front of a Mennonite elder board who will determine his fate. “Mennonites […]

The Daily Bonnet

Warman, Saskatchewan to be Renamed Peaceman

May 25, 2021 Andrew

PEACEMAN, SK City council of Warman, Saskatchewan has voted 4 -2 in favour of renaming the town Peaceman in honour of the town’s pacifist Mennonite community. “For decades our town’s been getting a bad wrap. […]

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Man Becomes Conscientious Objector After Watching Too Many Hockey Fights

May 24, 2021 Andrew

KITCHENER, ON Mr. Eby of Kitchener was very excited to watch the Leafs game this afternoon, but after binging on the NHL for the past week, has decided he’s boycotting the spot entirely from now […]

Unger Suspicion

Joe Biden Continues Longstanding American Tradition of Bombing the Hell Out of Foreign Countries

February 26, 2021 Andrew

WASHINGTON, DC It didn’t take long for President Joe Biden to bring back a longstanding American tradition by ordering his very first airstrike. “It’s an American tradition that I have to maintain,” said Joe Biden. […]

The Daily Bonnet

Why is the Mennonite Town of Goessel, Kansas Shaped Like a Gun?

February 22, 2021 Andrew

GOESSEL, KS For some strange reason the pacifist Mennonite town of Goessel, Kansas has managed to fashion their town in the exact shape of a Colt M1911 pistol. “It’s a mystery to me,” said local […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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