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Unger Suspicion

John Tortorella Hires Mennonites to Shun Patrik Laine

March 12, 2021 Andrew

COLUMBUS, OH Columbus Blue Jackets head coach John Tortorella is known for his unconventional methods of motivating his players, most notably benching star players or publicly shaming them when they don’t perform. It seems he’s […]

Unger Games

Calgary Defeats Winnipeg 5 Bogus Slashing Calls to 3

February 4, 2021 Andrew

CALGARY, AB In an effort to get more pacifists watching the game, the NHL has imposed a new minimum of five bogus slashing calls per game. “The team with the fewest bogus slashing calls wins,” […]

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonites are Turning their Old Laine Jerseys into Quilts

January 24, 2021 Andrew

WINNIPEG, MB Moments after the Winnipeg Jets announced they had traded superstar right winter Patrik Laine to some team in Ohio, Mennonite Jets fans began fashioning their old Laine jerseys into quilts. “Gotta make some […]

Unger Games

Empty Arenas Give Canadian Fans an ‘Authentic Florida Hockey Experience’

January 18, 2021 Andrew

TORONTO, ON Eager to share an authentic Florida hockey experience with its northern fans, the NHL has decided to play the entire season in empty arenas. “I think those Canadian fans don’t know what it’s […]

Unger Conviction

Local Church Allowed to Reopen After Agreeing to Host Sunday Morning Floor Hockey Tournaments

January 13, 2021 Andrew

WINNIPEG, MB A church in Winnipeg will be reopening this Sunday after agreeing to host a floor hockey tournament and not do any praying or singing. “It was some tough negotiating, but the government agreed […]

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