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The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Man Becomes Conscientious Objector After Watching Too Many Hockey Fights

May 24, 2021 Andrew

KITCHENER, ON Mr. Eby of Kitchener was very excited to watch the Leafs game this afternoon, but after binging on the NHL for the past week, has decided he’s boycotting the spot entirely from now […]

Unger Suspicion

Jets Already Down Three Games to None after Opening Faceoff

May 19, 2021 Andrew

EDMONTON, AB Just moments into the first period of game one, the Edmonton Oilers were already up three games to none on the lowly Winnipeg Jets. “Well, that wraps up the first period of play […]

Unger Suspicion

Ottawa Senators Attendance Way Up this Year

April 12, 2021 Andrew

OTTAWA, ON Literally tens of people, including a few security guards and the water boy, were in attendance at the Ottawa Senators home game last week, which is their highest attendance in ages. “It’s nice […]

Unger Suspicion

John Tortorella Hires Mennonites to Shun Patrik Laine

March 12, 2021 Andrew

COLUMBUS, OH Columbus Blue Jackets head coach John Tortorella is known for his unconventional methods of motivating his players, most notably benching star players or publicly shaming them when they don’t perform. It seems he’s […]

Unger Games

Calgary Defeats Winnipeg 5 Bogus Slashing Calls to 3

February 4, 2021 Andrew

CALGARY, AB In an effort to get more pacifists watching the game, the NHL has imposed a new minimum of five bogus slashing calls per game. “The team with the fewest bogus slashing calls wins,” […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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