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health

Unger Conviction

New Pill Makes Mennonite Church Service Tolerable

October 29, 2022 Andrew

CHILLIWACK, BC After decades of research, a brand new pill has been approved by the Mennonite Health Service that makes Sunday morning church services just barely tolerable. “I don’t use this term lightly, but it’s […]

Unger Conviction

Mennonite Church Unveils New “Choir of the Runny Noses”

October 2, 2022 Andrew

KITCHENER, ON After two years of suppressing every cough, sneeze, and sniffle, the folks at Third Mennonite Church of Kitchener have decided to let it all out and make a joyful noise unto the Lord. […]

Unger & Thirst

New Reports Claims Children Just Faking It, Most Absolutely Love Broccoli and Brussels Sprouts

June 4, 2022 Andrew

OTTAWA, ON A new Health Canada study shows that kids have been fooling us the entire time. According to research, Canadian children report broccoli, brussels sprouts, and green peppers among their absolute favourite foods. “It […]

The Daily Bonnet

Manitoba Reports First Case of Broeskypox

May 21, 2022 Andrew

SOMMERHIMMELTHAL, MB Health officials are concerned this week after the first case of Broeskypox in more than a decade has been discovered in the region. “There’s no need to be alarmed just yet,” said Dale […]

Unger Suspicion

Meet Lisa, the One Person in All of Manitoba Who Doesn’t Have Covid Right Now

April 30, 2022 Andrew

WINNIPEG, MB Lisa, a third-year Mennonite Studies student from Winnipeg has recently been discovered as the only person in the entire province who doesn’t have Covid right now. “My cousin Sam has it, all of […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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