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health

Unger Suspicion

Meet Lisa, the One Person in All of Manitoba Who Doesn’t Have Covid Right Now

April 30, 2022 Andrew

WINNIPEG, MB Lisa, a third-year Mennonite Studies student from Winnipeg has recently been discovered as the only person in the entire province who doesn’t have Covid right now. “My cousin Sam has it, all of […]

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Woman Passes “Auntie Jen” Test

April 27, 2022 Andrew

ST. CATHARINES, ON There was much celebration in the Janz household this weekend after Diane revealed two solid lines on her “Auntie Jen” test. “OMG, I’m going to be an auntie,” yelled excited sister Jennifer. […]

Unger & Thirst

Faint Line Indicates Presence of Knackzoat in the Blood

April 24, 2022 Andrew

WALDHEIM, SK Mr. Derek Wiebe of Waldheim, Saskatchewan is just one in a long line of local residents who’ve tested positive for knackzoat in recent weeks. “I waited the full 15 minutes and it was […]

Unger Suspicion

Tucker Carlson to Mennonite Men: “Make Sure to Smoke Your Sausage”

April 23, 2022 Andrew

NEW YORK, NY Fox News pundit Tucker Carlson is urging low-testosterone Mennonite men to “stick your sausage in a smoker pronto.” “This is no laughing matter,” said Carlson, who claims 1 in 3 men now […]

Unger Suspicion

Manitoba Health Data to Be Reported Using Flannelgraph Boards

March 31, 2022 Andrew

WINNIPEG, MB Starting this week, all upcoming health updates in the province will be reported using the most accurate medium the province was willing to supply: an old flannelgraph board hauled out of a church […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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