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health

Unger Suspicion

World Health Organization Bans Reading Internet Comments

August 24, 2019 Andrew

GENEVA, SWITZERLAND A new study from the World Health Organization has revealed a new number one killer around the world: reading online comments. In 2018 alone, comment-reading was known to have caused more than two […]

Unger & Thirst

Local Woman Gains Ten Pounds Just By Looking at Mennonite Food

August 21, 2019 Andrew

GRUNTHAL, MB Local woman Patricia Redekop found herself a little heavier this afternoon after merely glancing at the Tupperware container of leftovers that Mrs. Kornelsen brought to work. “There were eight cottage cheese perogies and […]

The Daily Bonnet

The 5 Best ASMR Videos for Mennonites!

August 20, 2019 Andrew

What the schissjat is ASMR? Well, I’m not really sure, but my cousin says she gets a tingly feeling by watching some vid-yos on the YouTubes. I said, ‘Nah, Maria, it doesn’t give such’ but […]

Unger & Thirst

Mennonite Man Becomes ‘Completely Hooked’ on the Pink Stuff

August 12, 2019 Andrew

BLUMENHOF, MB Mr. Bergman of Blumenhof has been undergoing intensive counseling with the pastor this week after it was discovered he had an unhealthy obsession with the pink stuff on formavorscht ever since he discovered […]

Unger & Thirst

Mennonite Man Hospitalized After Eating Too Far Into the Green Part

August 4, 2019 Andrew

MANITOBA COLONY, MEXICO Mr. Wiebe had to be rushed to the hospital in Cuauhtemoc this week after he failed to heed the warnings of all those around him and ate well into the green part. […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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