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football

Unger Suspicion

Tom Brady Signs Massive $50 Million Geritol Endorsement Deal

March 16, 2021 Andrew

TAMPA BAY, FL Aging NFL quarterback Tom Brady has signed a new two-year deal worth close to $50 million to endorse Geritol multivitamins. “I figure by the time I’m done this new contact with the […]

Unger Games

Dwayne Johnson ‘Guaran-damn-tee’s He Won’t Totally Destroy the CFL

March 14, 2021 Andrew

TORONTO, ON The CFL announced this week that they’re in talks with a former pro wrestler to potentially throw away 150 years of Canadian football tradition in exchange for a bit part in the next […]

The Daily Bonnet

Tickets for Mennonite Hip-Hop Musical ‘Hostetler’ Impossible to Get

February 19, 2021 Andrew

HOLLSOPPLE, PA Tickets for the new hip-hop musical telling the life story of former NFL quarterback Jeff Hostetler were snatched up so quickly that even Mrs. Kauffman couldn’t get her hands on a pair. “I’ve […]

Unger & Thirst

Mennonite Woman Takes Home the Super Bowl

February 7, 2021 Andrew

NEWTON, KS Mrs. Esther Friesen, 82, of Newton, Kansas managed to sneak into the church kitchen this Sunday and grab the 1970s Tupperware bowl that she’d left there before the pandemic began last year. “I’m […]

Unger Games

Saskatchewan Roughriders Claim Victory in 2020 Labour Day Classic

September 5, 2020 Andrew

REGINA, SK The Covid-canceled 2020 CFL season gave the Saskatchewan Roughriders the chance to go undefeated for the first time in franchise history, including a stunning defeat over the Blue Bombers in this year’s unplayed […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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