BY: MISS SAMANTHA YODER
The dating game is tough these days. A lot of my girlfriends have resorted to going online to find a suitable partner, but I maintain that you can never beat your local Mennonite church lobby when you’re looking for love. Let me tell you why!
First of all, ladies, when you’re on Tinder you have to swipe past dozens of desperate losers to find that one needle in the haystack. At church, they’re all needles in the haystack, and I mean that both literally and figuratively. On Tinder you have to weed out the undesirables, but church already does that for you. If they’re showing up to church you know they’re medium grade-quality hook-up material at the very least.
Secondly, at church you can hear the sound of their singing voices. Are they a bass or a baritone? All your questions can be answered by eavesdropping during 606. On Tinder you never know, you might end up with a soprano and then you’d always have to fight over who was going to sit in the women’s section.
Thirdly, I hate to break it to you, but the Tinder profile pictures are not always up-to-date. My friend Alice hooked up with a guy on Tinder whose picture looked an awful lot like Chris Hemsworth, but when they met for a blended icecap he looked more like my cousin Darryl…I think it might have actually been my cousin Darryl. The point is, at church you can see exactly what these guys look like, and, believe me, they don’t all look like Chris Hemsworth. It’s good to know that ahead of time.
Also, ladies, you can get up close and personal in the church lobby. Why not “accidentally” bump into that dreamy Peter Hostetler or volunteer to fold bulletins with the handsome pastor’s son. Think of the church lobby as a single’s bar without the alcohol and you’ll do just fine. I have confidence in you!
Finally, other than an occasional tithe or the cost of a few baked goods at the after-service potluck, finding a man at church is completely free and no Internet connection is required. In fact, in most Mennonite churches, using the Internet can get you excommunicated. How convenient!
For all these reasons and more I say put down your iPhone, throw on that cute periwinkle cardigan and your Forever 21 corduroy skirt and head on over to church this Sunday. You may be surprised who you find there…or who finds you!
