Mennonite Church to Hold Weeklong Series of Meetings to Decide Matters that Easily Could Have Been Settled in a Couple Emails


The Southside North Kidron Mennonite Church is hosting a week-long series of meetings to settle a couple matters that could have been decided via – max – two quick emails.

“Thank you, everyone for coming,” said Pastor Dan. “As you know we have some very important matters to discuss this week and I expect you all here at 8 am sharp. You ain’t leaving until we’ve thoroughly discussed, discerned, and consulted the scripture over these important matters.”

Participants have been divided into discussion groups who will be asked to spend at least two unnecessary days hashing out whether the forks in the church kitchen should go to the left or the right of the knives.

“We’ve also brought in a guest speaker,” said Pastor Dan, “who will take a couple verses from the Book of Numbers and find some way of applying them to our current situation. It’s a three-part sermon. I think he’ll have a lot for us to prayerfully consider in regards to cutlery placement.”

Delegates at the highly important meetings will be billeted in local homes.

“We’ve asked the billets to provide food and shelter, but no wifi,” said Pastor Dan. “Whatever you do, do not sign into your email accounts. We wouldn’t want these meetings to finish early.”

It’s not yet known whether the week-long meetings will be able to settle this important matter of proper fork placement or whether it will have to be brought to the World Mennonite Conference this July.

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