Mennonite Church Accused of Serving Weak Coffee


An area Mennonite church has been called before the local ministerial this week for “watering down the true essence of our faith” by serving “such weak coffee that even the Lutherans would not tolerate it.”

“After unrepentantly serving weak coffee for a number of years now, we have no choice but to label the Gnadenthal Mennonite Gospel Brethren Church in the category of apostates,” said Gnadenthal Ministerial co-ordinator PBJ Funk. “We’ve been sampling their coffee for quite some time now and it sure doesn’t live up to our Anabaptist principles.”

The Gnadenthal Mennonite Gospel Brethren Church started watering down their 10,000 Villages Peruvian Fair Trade organic coffee a few years ago in an apparent attempt to make it last longer, but that did not satisfy the ministerial.

“As the Bible says, be ye not afraid of a good proper cup of coffee,” said Funk, who admits he was paraphrasing. “This is inexcusable … and don’t get me started on the quality of their church basement red juice.”

The Gnadenthal Mennonite Gospel Brethren Church plans to make major changes to get back into the fold.

“From now on we’re giving a specific list of instructions to the Driedger couple who manages the coffee station in the foyer each Sunday” said Pastor Melvin. “When it says one heaping scoop, we really mean heaping!”

The Driedgers will also be required to attend a series of training sessions with Pastor Melvin, who will also teach them where to find the Splenda and stir sticks in the church kitchen.

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