Missing CMU Student Discovered Beneath a Mountain of Hauerwas Books


After an extensive nationwide search, CMU Theology student Brian Schmidt was discovered unconscious this past Friday in his dorm room beneath an enormous pile of Stanley Hauerwas books.

“Brian’s recovering at the local hospital,” said his mother Brenda. “We’re optimistic that he’ll return to his regular self eventually, but prayers are more than welcome.”

The Hauerwas avalanche is not the first of its kind. Just last year a second-year student at Steinbach Bible College was hospitalized after a tragic encounter with a stack of Ron Sider.

“This always happens around this time of year,” said physician Heidi Redekop. “These students need to take precautions when dealing with these heavy theological tomes. You stack up too many next to your bedside and one false move can send them crashing down on you while you sleep. It’s really quite dangerous.”

Brian’s mother is hopeful he will return to his studies next semester and has already purchased protective equipment to keep her son safe.

“A motorcycle helmet and an oxygen mask should do it,” she said. “I’m just hoping he can make it through that Bonhoeffer course without incident.”

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