Christian Church Suddenly Realizes They’ve Been Singing Songs By Heretics For Decades


Since the mid-90s the EBMC church of Kansas City has been bringing catchy songs that were popular on Christian radio into their Sunday morning worship “set”, all under the assumption that anything on the local God Rock station must be a-okay.

“Quite frankly, we never really looked at the lyrics,” said worship pastor Dan. “I mean, if it was in the top 40 on Christian radio and our guitar player could master the solo that was good enough for us.”

However, after looking through their Sunday morning repertoire Dan was shocked to discover that a good 80 to 90% of their material came from the fine upstanding heretics over at Bethel, Elevation and Hillsong.

“Those “health and wealth” heresy songs sure are catchy,” said Dan. “I mean, now that I think of it, I think I might have even inserted a few quotes by Joel Osteen in my sermons on occasion…”

From now on Dan is going to steer clear of anything coming out of heretical megachurch and instead just play toned down versions of popular metal songs, which are “far more theologically sound than almost anything on Christian radio.”

Local Church to Host Weekly 'Superspreader Potluck'
Impossible to Tell if Bearded Friend is Mennonite or Just Really Into Craft Beer