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Unger Suspicion

Unger Suspicion

NASA Confirms the Existence of Mennonites on Other Planets

November 24, 2016 Andrew

WASHINGTON, DC In a press conference earlier this morning, NASA scientists have answered a question that has plagued Anabaptists since the early days of the Reformation: “Are there Mennonites on other planets?” The answer, it […]

Unger Suspicion

George Orwell Elected Mayor of Lancaster, Pennsylvania

November 21, 2016 Andrew

LANCASTER, PA In reaction to the recent increase of people being nice and friendly and sticking to the rules, the predominantly Amish city of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, has decided to elect dystopian author George Orwell as […]

Unger Suspicion

Pacifist-Thriller ‘Hacksaw Ridge’ Lures Reluctant Mennonites into Movie Theatre

November 18, 2016 Andrew

STEINBACH, MB For decades rural Manitoba movie theatres had trouble convincing more conservative elements of the population that attending movies was not actually explicitly forbidden in the Scriptures. Ever since the invention of moving pictures in […]

Unger Suspicion

Kevin O’Leary Encourages Mennonites to ‘Work Harder, Make More Money, Be More Industrious’

November 12, 2016 Andrew

TORONTO, ON Businessman and television personality Kevin O’Leary has taken time out of his busy schedule of helping young entrepreneurs make a “shit ton of moolah” to give some advice to Mennonites across the country. “It’s […]

Unger Suspicion

Leonard Cohen’s ‘Hallelujah’ Added to Mennonite Hymnal

November 10, 2016 Andrew

MONTREAL, PQ In a tribute to one of the world’s great songwriters, the Mennonite Church has decided to add Leonard Cohen’s ‘Hallelujah’ to the hymnal, saying that it is “as beautiful and sacred as anything that’s […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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