Canadian Olympians Forced to Pay Back Half Their Medals in Taxes


Always on the lookout for new sources of revenue, the Canadian government has announced it will be taxing Olympic medals at the top income tax bracket of 48.7 percent. The medals will be melted down into gold, silver, and bronze to help recoup the tremendous cost of sending athletes to Korea.

“It’s time these athletes paid their fair share,” said a government spokesperson. “All medals will be seized when the athletes arrive back in Canada and cut in half with a band saw on the floor of the Senate.”

Senators were particularly enthusiastic about the new plan and have already signed up to take their turn cutting up and melting down Olympic medals. They plan to hold a massive medal melting ceremony, complete with multi-grain crackers and Camembert cheese.

“Team Canada won 25 medals at the 2014 Sochi Olympics, but we’re expecting even more this year,” said one Senator from Ontario. “We’ve got to find some way to pay for our new gold plated toilets.”

Olympic athletes, however, were quick to criticize the new tax.

“I get why they’re doing this, but I just wish they’d consider reducing the tax a little bit,” said one figure skater. “If they brought it down to 20 or 30 percent that would be nice. They could maybe shave off the sides of the medal a little, as long as I could still read my name.”

Later in the day, the government clarified their intentions behind the bill and announced only silver and gold medals would be destroyed, because, apparently, “no one uses the bronze medals these days anyway.” All future bronze medals will be “rounded up” to silver at the cash register.

(photo credit: Republic of Korea/CC)

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