Elder Board Acquits Mennonite Pastor of Bribing Mrs. Friesen


After the Faspa Committee overwhelmingly voted to oust Pastor Ron for allegedly bribing Mrs. Friesen to make fried rather than boiled vereniki at last Sunday’s luncheon, the West Rosenhof MGM Grand Church elder board decided the evidence was insufficient and acquitted Pastor Ron of all charges.

“I feel vindicated,” said Pastor Ron. “There were sneaky liars out there to get me, but the elder board has spoken and I’m happy to say that I will continue to bless this congregation with my overlong sermons and questionable theology.”

The Faspa Committee claims to have evidence that Pastor Ron requested five dozen fried vereniki in exchange for the release of Mrs. Friesen and all her descendants from clean-up duty afterwards.

“It’s not fair. Everyone should have to stack the chairs and carpet sweep the floor,” said Mrs. Doerksen. “This kind of behaviour is unbecoming of a senior pastor. I’m really disappointed in those elders. I think they didn’t even want to look at the evidence.”

One lone elder, who is believed to not actually be a Mennonite anyway, voted in favour of removing Pastor Ron.

“I think he’s an MBer,” said Pastor Ron. “No wonder he wants me gone. They’re all about boiled perogies over there.”

Pastor Ron will stay in charge until the annual congregational meeting in November when the new pastor will be determined in the traditional Mennonite method of drawing names from Mr. Klassen’s John Deere cap.

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